Happy Nanay Araw-Araw (Para Kay Linnaaw)

Masaya ka ba, Nanay?

Maliban sa kaliwa’t kanan na mga BAKIT, madalas mong tanungin sakin kung masaya ako. Malimit, natitigilan ako at ngiti nalang ang naisasagot sa iyo. 

Napakakumplikado kasi ng tanong mo anak at ayaw kong magsinungaling sa iyo (halimbawa, habang di pa rin ipinapatupad ang RH Law, maraming nabibiktima ng karahasan, at patuloy na kinakalbo ang mga bundok, parang di lubusan ang aking kasiyahan).

Ang galing pa ng timing mo, tatanungin mo ako nito kapag nagmamadali tayo at hinahanap ko ang susi ko. O di kaya ay pagod.  O habang pinagsasabihan kita kasi may ginawa ka na kabilinbilinan kong huwag gawin dahil ikapapahamak mo.

Hay.

Paano ba? Ang scripted na sagot  ko ay “Basta kasama kita, anak, masaya ako.” Totoo ito. Pero ako ay tao rin na nalulungkot, nagagalit at nangangailangan ng “peys” (ang bigkas mo sa “space”). Nakikita mo ang mga mukha na ito dahil palagi kitang kasama. Kaya nga siguro tinatanong mo ako kasi kapag naiinis, natataranta— nabubura ang ngiti sa mga mata at sa labi ko. Na hinahanap-hanap mo.

Parang imposible naman maging masaya palagi. Pero sigurado ako, araw-araw, hindi man bawat sandali, napapangiti at napapahagalpak kami ng tatay mo dahil sa galak. Dahil sa iyo. 

Alam kong may mga araw na pakiramdam ko, sana laro-lang lang lahat. Bahay-bahayan lang, kunwari  isa akong bata, ikaw ay manyika. At puwede akong tumigil nalang basta, anumang oras. 

Pero anak, mas madaming araw na gusto kong maglaro habang panahon, kasama ka.

Pag tahimik ang isip ko at pinagmamasdan kita, tinitimbang kung gaano kita kamahal, kung gaano kalaki ang bahagi mo sa puso ko, hindi ako makahinga. Dahil ikaw ang aking mundo, ang aking kalawakan. 

Hindi ko alam kung ako ay mabuting nanay. Maagang pumanaw ang ina ko (limang taon lang ako noon, wala nang maalala ngayon maging boses niya). Bagama’t wala siya para magturo sa akin kung paano ang pag-aruga sa iyo, marami naman ang nagpakita sa aking kung paano magmahal. Pagmamahal na ipinadama sakin sa iba’t ibang paraan.

Ang mga awit at mga kuwento nina lolalola Patring at Udin.

Ang mga sakripisyo ng lolo Pery mo para mapabuti ang buhay naming magkakapatid, at lumaki kaming may sariling isip at kayang alagaan ang sarili.

Ang pag-intindi at  suporta ng lola Del mo (wala ring kapantay ang macaroni salad, maja blanca at spaghetti niya!)

Ang mga mapagpalayang usapan namin ng tito Jong mo.

Ang mga biro ng tito Bong mo (Siya rin ang pinakabilib sakin. Hehe).

Ang mga byahe namin ng tita Ning mo at walang puknat na pagtatanggol niya sa akin.

Ang pagturo ni tito Nino mo sa akin na magbisikleta, maghanap ng gagamba at umakyat sa mga puno.
Ang mga yakap at halik ng mga pinsan mo na sina Kuya Jj, Ate Rein, Kuya Tet, Kuya Gab, Kuya Eytan, at Kuya Migo.

Ang pamilya nina Ate Anabelle, Tita Espie at Tita Marits, para sa pagpapakita sakin kung ano ang dapat laman ng isang tahanan—halakhak, diskusyon at mga pusa!

Ang mga kaibigan ko, na nagpapaalala sa akin na makulay ang mundo at kay dami pang kakaibang karanasan na naghihintay sa atin.

Ang mga kamag-anak na laging nakakaalala at tagapag-alaga ng mga alalala ng aking kabataan.

Ang aking mga guro na nagpakita sa akin ng salamangka ng mga salita, ng kapangyarihan ng mga libro. 
Ang mga naging estudyante ko na nagpakita sa akin ng galak ng laro at nagturo sakin kung paano maging mas mahinahon.

Ang mga paborito kong manunulat na nagluwal ng mga kwentong nagpayabong sa aking kamalayan.
Ang mga lambing (at cariño brutal) nina Rainrain, Pirtik at Sibo. Pati na rin nina Yoda, Yuki, Bibimbap, Putot, at Twin.

At ang aking Irog, na ang tingin sa akin ay isang diyosa. Haha. Na laging pinapauna ako sa mga bagong aklat, nagpapatawa sa akin, ipinagluluto ako at kadugtungan ko sa mga kantang gawa-gawa.

Ang pagmamahal na ito ay baon ko araw-araw.  Sana maipadama ko ito sa iyo bawat minuto ng buhay mo.

I DON’T WANT TO DISAPPEAR

Lately, I have been turning invisible. 

It’s not intended. Think of a photograph, framed, hanging on a lonely wall nobody looks at. Sunlight strikes its glass top in the morning, hurting the eyes. Dust settles on it, lightly obscuring the image. And soon, the person framed fades. Then someone looks up, squints, and wonders. But nobody knows who the woman in the photograph is.

It started with my pregnancy. Tiptoeing around my round belly. Instead of looking at me when we were talking, they would gush and touch my tummy. People would look at my baby even before she was born! Conversations always gravitate around her. Gifts, even on my birthday, are for the little one.  I didn’t mind, I was as ecstatic as they were.

When she came out, the frenzy of this new life, of nurturing our new love took hold of me. I forgot everything except feeding her, holding her. But I did notice that I no longer wore my earrings and bangles. I cut my hair short so as not to be bothered with the task of tying it. I put away the bright and fun clothes that once defined my taste in the different. Instead, I favored earthy hues that could easily fade in the background. 

I saw my friends less and less. I connected on social media sporadically. These past months, while looking at pictures I took with my phone, not one of them shows even a shadow of me.

I also stopped writing for myself. Yes, I still write--pages and pages of journal for my little girl. So she won’t forget me, how I am now. How I want her to remember me. Maybe even how I want ME to remember me. 

So I was catching on, figuring out that somehow, I am changing. Maybe even fading.

I started to panic. I don’t want the fire in me to go away. I want to be brave, free, colorful. I want to grow old gracefully, with grit and spunk. I don’t want my little girl to see just a faded version of me.

A friend once said she is so sure I’ll be an awesome mom. I realize that to be an awesome mom, I must be an awesome woman, too—a woman who is kind to herself, who likes what she sees in the mirror, who is confident of her capabilities.  It turns out, the past 3 years, I am not rising to my friend’s expectation. Hell, I’m not rising to my own expectations. 

And I have been neglecting my loved ones' needs. This saddens me so because when I was younger, I get my highs from making people I love smile.

Now, I am just so tired. Even writing this is taking all the energy I can muster. But this needs to come out. I need to acknowledge this because I have been walking around with this heavy pounding in my head. I need to write this so I can figure out what to do. 

I don’t want to disappear.

BABY SIGNING

An orgmate in college posted in social media about teaching her little one how to sign. I was mildly interested but did not think it was essential. But when my baby was around 5 months old, just before she started on solids, we taught her how to sign. Simple ones like “GATAS” , “NANAY” and “TATAY” (we translate signs into Filipino since that's what we speak at home) . Then we proceeded with “KAIN” , “INOM” , “SAKIT" , "TULONG",  and “MORE”. These were words we deem necessary, because she cannot talk yet and sometimes we cannot decipher her cries.  We always accompany the signs with the words and surprise, surprise—her first official word was a word she loves to sign as well: “MORE”.  During mealtimes, it was always easy to coax her into finishing her food when we sign and sing the MORE song (put your fingertips together to sign "MORE").

Baby signing "More"

Of course parents need to learn the signs first. We watched Baby Signing Time (recommended by a friend) over and over again. My baby liked the songs and I found myself memorizing them. She loved Here I Go of Volume 1. After exhausting the 1^st two episodes, we looked for more songs online and I was pleased to find not just songs about friendship but also about inclusiveness and differences.  Just watch Caterpillar Dreams and Nice to Meet You of Signing Time! and you'll know what I mean (WARNING: the first one can draw tears). The show became her favorite until My Neighbour Totoro, Pocoyo and Song of the Sea.

We also found this pop-up book from Booksale (I think this is also available at Fully Booked for a few hundreds). 

When she was stringing words into sentences, signing seemed unnecessary so we stopped watching (and signing). But sometimes, I still find myself signing “WIWI”, "PLEASE", “SORRY” or “SALAMAT”. Nowadays, our little girl is so adept at expressing herself, I sometimes forget she used to just cry when she was hungry, cold, sad, angry or thirsty.  And then I remember that at least for a year, we need not guess what she needed because she learned how to sign them. I will always be grateful for that.

Baby signing her name (invented signing)

Baby Led Weaning or Why My Kid Is Eating Greens and All the Colors of the Rainbow

When we eat out and my 2 year old child eats on her own whatever is on her plate, people are always amazed. What we did to achieve this feat was quite simple: Baby Led Weaning or BLW. It means letting your kid feed herself .

I read about BLW when I was pregnant. I even joined the BLW FB group (I grabbed the photos from here). The outcome that advocates claim were raising non-picky eaters who are independent eaters. That convinced me to try BLW. We didn't really go hardcore BLW. But we tried to follow these basic principles since our baby started munching at 6 months:

1. We prepared almost all her meals. And we did not mash her food.

Her first food was sayote. We peeled and cut the vegetable (french fries-size), steamed, then served after it cooled down. The sayote strips should be solid enough to retain their shape but when you press it between your finger, they should be soft enough to turn into mush. You would be surprised how hard those baby gums are; they can do the mashing. Oh, steamed food is not bad. I was surprised that Baguio beans and other veggies would taste sweet when steamed.

2. We eat together. We let her sit on her chair and eat her food with her hands.

Let your little one explore. Yes, she'll play a bit with her food and it's gonna be messy but that's part of it and that's how kids learn. We did show her how to do it at first. Nanay and Tatay ate the same sayote strips with her, and later on banana, tofu, avocado, papaya, string beans, kamote and kalabasa. Those were my kid's first food.

3. Introduce 1 food at a time. Steer clear of honey, peanuts, citrus and eggs until she turns 1.

We watched out for allergic reactions whenever we give her new food. We also allowed 2 days for her to get used to the new taste. It's rather exciting watching your child try something new and the look on your child's face as she tries a new texture and taste is priceless. Don't worry if your baby doesn't eat much. Milk is still their primary food. As your child grows, offer small and frequent meals.

4. Teach your little one how to chew. Don't panic when your child gags. Show her how to use that gagging reflex.























Exaggerate chewing movements. With our child, we even have a chant. Each time she brings food to her mouth, I chant NGUYA NGUYA NGUYA, NGASAB NGASAB NGASAB (from an Aklat Batibot, Sina Linggit Laban kay Barakuda) while showing her how to chew. And when she gags (and she will i tell you so be ready for it), show her how to dislodge the food by clearing your throat and coughing. Make sure your child is never left unsupervised when eating. And read on and practice Heimlich maneuver before you go on a BLW journey.

5. Eat local and all the colors of the rainbow.

You probably know the song Bahay Kubo. Sing it and you have a good list of first food you can introduce to your baby. Don't forget to let her try even the ones you don't like. My baby never liked ampalaya but we keep offering it once in a while. She still doesn't like it but I know some babies who love the bitter taste!

When she turned 1 year old, we gave her regular cooked food. She ate what we ate (this means we tried to eat healthy too and made sure to go easy on the spices). Her first cooked ulam were tinola and pakbet.

When she was two, we attended Tamang K.A.I.N. - Kid and Infant Nutrition Seminar organized by
Breastfeeding Pinays. We learned that kids should not just be eating greens but all the colors of the rainbow. And all the parts of the plant-- flower, fruit, sprout, leaves, seeds, stalk.

Yes, I know it takes a lot of work to make your child eat right. But I am rewarded each time we eat and she feeds herself. That means I've got an independent eater who let's her Nanay eat peacefully at mealtimes :)

FLASHCARD CHART HACK

I have to prepare four presentations for a workshop and I have class tomorrow. Instead, I find myself sewing a chart bag for my kid. I am a nanay first, after all.

The road to literacy is a print-rich environment.  So we have posters and books galore. We also have flashcards and puzzles tucked away in recycled containers. I’ve been meaning to get those charts for the flashcards and in the last MIBF, I told myself we are definitely buying one or two. But nanay got distracted and bought only books, books, books! 

We do need the charts. I thought I can make our own using a reusable shopping bag and plastic cover.  I took out my sewing kit and started working. 

It’s pretty easy. Except for threading the needle and keeping my little girl from being pricked.

It’s not pretty though. Try sewing with a toddler jumping around.

It’s usable. Yay! The rest of the flashcards can be stored in the bag.

The chart can easily hang on doorknobs.

I figured other moms and early grade teachers would also like to make their own.