LIVING THE QUESTIONS

"I beg you, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart 
and to try to love the questions themselves 
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. 
Don’t search for the answers, 
which could not be given to you now, 
because you would not be able to live them. 
And the point is to live everything. 
Live the questions now. 
Perhaps then, someday far in the future, 
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
 live your way into the answer. "

- from Letters to a Young Poet by Rainier Maria Rilke

This got me through that difficult time in my life. I was brimming with questions that I refused to understand. I still find it hard to talk about that day, that week, that year. But every time I see my little girl, I remember Rilke and I will be forever grateful to poems and poets.

One day, I will write the story how these words kept me strong, how the full moon kept me awake, and how you--our Linnaaw, made your Nanay and Tatay so brave, so brave.

But yes, no one, absolutely no one I know is braver than you, our little spaghetti monster.



One day.

read more about the poet here

I pick my battles

I have changed. I have been puzzling over this and  these unwelcome changes. For a couple of years, I was trying to understand myself. I knew me, yes. But this new person, I have to take a step back from her and analyze how she came to be.

Yes, I love cats. For people who know me, this is my most defining trait. I take home strays, forego vacations and dates over my sick cat, collect cat stuff and feel good all day just because I watched a cat video.

Now...I still love cats. We took home two small kittens last May, their eyes still shut. But I learned to let go a bit and let other people help with the feeding so we can go out and have fun. I don’t hoard much kitty merch now. I sleep with my loves, not with the cats. Oh, I still get a kick out of kitteh vids.

Yes, I love traveling. Before, kaladkarin talaga ako. For me, new places = natural high. Bumagyo, tuloy pa rin ang gala. My eyes shine as they take in the sights, smells, and sounds.

Now, I get tired just packing our bags so I pack weeks in advance. And just before I step out of the door, something in me doesn’t want to go.

Yes, I’m a freelancer and loving it. I like that I only work when I need to, that when the cravings call, I can just up and go to have that lomi, onigiri or injeolmi. That I can bike with my family most mornings or afternoons. And that I am home when my baby is sick.

But nowadays, a thought always nags at me “Hoy, get a regular job. Time to stay in one place. Get good health benefits.” Maybe because I have a kid now. And a dream of a forest of native trees. That’s why I’m more afraid of the uncertainties freelancing brings. The “something always comes up” mantra is not enough anymore.

Yes, I enjoy seeing friends. Back then, I would seek them out, visit their homes, go out of my way to see them.

These days though, I find it hard to leave the house. Especially to go to the city. I hate crowds, I hate having to endure traffic, I hate the anxiety that grips me when I get into a cab. But I would still love to see you guys!

Yes, I’m generally a nice person. I smile a lot— so amiable and so easy to make me happy. I couldn’t say no even when in my head I'm screaming “NO!” I get flustered and couldn’t sleep when people are disappointed or mad at me.

Used to, anyway. Now, I say NO, sometimes not nicely. Without me noticing, my forehead is always creased (my little girl would mimic me, her brows together, forehead furrowed and ask “Bakit ganito ka, Nanay?”). I’ve become a brooding, irritable person, who couldn’t care less if you don’t like me.  I've grown up. I've grown old. And not the way I imagined myself to be when I was still in my teens.

Ako ay isa nang masungit na ale. 

I’m trying to understand and embrace this new person, even try to like her. See, she’s assertive now! She knows her priorities, what’s really important. She recognizes her fears and tries to face them bravely, even if on the other side, she’s fighting with herself.

Happy Nanay Araw-Araw (Para Kay Linnaaw)

Masaya ka ba, Nanay?

Maliban sa kaliwa’t kanan na mga BAKIT, madalas mong tanungin sakin kung masaya ako. Malimit, natitigilan ako at ngiti nalang ang naisasagot sa iyo. 

Napakakumplikado kasi ng tanong mo anak at ayaw kong magsinungaling sa iyo (halimbawa, habang di pa rin ipinapatupad ang RH Law, maraming nabibiktima ng karahasan, at patuloy na kinakalbo ang mga bundok, parang di lubusan ang aking kasiyahan).

Ang galing pa ng timing mo, tatanungin mo ako nito kapag nagmamadali tayo at hinahanap ko ang susi ko. O di kaya ay pagod.  O habang pinagsasabihan kita kasi may ginawa ka na kabilinbilinan kong huwag gawin dahil ikapapahamak mo.

Hay.

Paano ba? Ang scripted na sagot  ko ay “Basta kasama kita, anak, masaya ako.” Totoo ito. Pero ako ay tao rin na nalulungkot, nagagalit at nangangailangan ng “peys” (ang bigkas mo sa “space”). Nakikita mo ang mga mukha na ito dahil palagi kitang kasama. Kaya nga siguro tinatanong mo ako kasi kapag naiinis, natataranta— nabubura ang ngiti sa mga mata at sa labi ko. Na hinahanap-hanap mo.

Parang imposible naman maging masaya palagi. Pero sigurado ako, araw-araw, hindi man bawat sandali, napapangiti at napapahagalpak kami ng tatay mo dahil sa galak. Dahil sa iyo. 

Alam kong may mga araw na pakiramdam ko, sana laro-lang lang lahat. Bahay-bahayan lang, kunwari  isa akong bata, ikaw ay manyika. At puwede akong tumigil nalang basta, anumang oras. 

Pero anak, mas madaming araw na gusto kong maglaro habang panahon, kasama ka.

Pag tahimik ang isip ko at pinagmamasdan kita, tinitimbang kung gaano kita kamahal, kung gaano kalaki ang bahagi mo sa puso ko, hindi ako makahinga. Dahil ikaw ang aking mundo, ang aking kalawakan. 

Hindi ko alam kung ako ay mabuting nanay. Maagang pumanaw ang ina ko (limang taon lang ako noon, wala nang maalala ngayon maging boses niya). Bagama’t wala siya para magturo sa akin kung paano ang pag-aruga sa iyo, marami naman ang nagpakita sa aking kung paano magmahal. Pagmamahal na ipinadama sakin sa iba’t ibang paraan.

Ang mga awit at mga kuwento nina lolalola Patring at Udin.

Ang mga sakripisyo ng lolo Pery mo para mapabuti ang buhay naming magkakapatid, at lumaki kaming may sariling isip at kayang alagaan ang sarili.

Ang pag-intindi at  suporta ng lola Del mo (wala ring kapantay ang macaroni salad, maja blanca at spaghetti niya!)

Ang mga mapagpalayang usapan namin ng tito Jong mo.

Ang mga biro ng tito Bong mo (Siya rin ang pinakabilib sakin. Hehe).

Ang mga byahe namin ng tita Ning mo at walang puknat na pagtatanggol niya sa akin.

Ang pagturo ni tito Nino mo sa akin na magbisikleta, maghanap ng gagamba at umakyat sa mga puno.
Ang mga yakap at halik ng mga pinsan mo na sina Kuya Jj, Ate Rein, Kuya Tet, Kuya Gab, Kuya Eytan, at Kuya Migo.

Ang pamilya nina Ate Anabelle, Tita Espie at Tita Marits, para sa pagpapakita sakin kung ano ang dapat laman ng isang tahanan—halakhak, diskusyon at mga pusa!

Ang mga kaibigan ko, na nagpapaalala sa akin na makulay ang mundo at kay dami pang kakaibang karanasan na naghihintay sa atin.

Ang mga kamag-anak na laging nakakaalala at tagapag-alaga ng mga alalala ng aking kabataan.

Ang aking mga guro na nagpakita sa akin ng salamangka ng mga salita, ng kapangyarihan ng mga libro. 
Ang mga naging estudyante ko na nagpakita sa akin ng galak ng laro at nagturo sakin kung paano maging mas mahinahon.

Ang mga paborito kong manunulat na nagluwal ng mga kwentong nagpayabong sa aking kamalayan.
Ang mga lambing (at cariño brutal) nina Rainrain, Pirtik at Sibo. Pati na rin nina Yoda, Yuki, Bibimbap, Putot, at Twin.

At ang aking Irog, na ang tingin sa akin ay isang diyosa. Haha. Na laging pinapauna ako sa mga bagong aklat, nagpapatawa sa akin, ipinagluluto ako at kadugtungan ko sa mga kantang gawa-gawa.

Ang pagmamahal na ito ay baon ko araw-araw.  Sana maipadama ko ito sa iyo bawat minuto ng buhay mo.

I DON’T WANT TO DISAPPEAR

Lately, I have been turning invisible. 

It’s not intended. Think of a photograph, framed, hanging on a lonely wall nobody looks at. Sunlight strikes its glass top in the morning, hurting the eyes. Dust settles on it, lightly obscuring the image. And soon, the person framed fades. Then someone looks up, squints, and wonders. But nobody knows who the woman in the photograph is.

It started with my pregnancy. Tiptoeing around my round belly. Instead of looking at me when we were talking, they would gush and touch my tummy. People would look at my baby even before she was born! Conversations always gravitate around her. Gifts, even on my birthday, are for the little one.  I didn’t mind, I was as ecstatic as they were.

When she came out, the frenzy of this new life, of nurturing our new love took hold of me. I forgot everything except feeding her, holding her. But I did notice that I no longer wore my earrings and bangles. I cut my hair short so as not to be bothered with the task of tying it. I put away the bright and fun clothes that once defined my taste in the different. Instead, I favored earthy hues that could easily fade in the background. 

I saw my friends less and less. I connected on social media sporadically. These past months, while looking at pictures I took with my phone, not one of them shows even a shadow of me.

I also stopped writing for myself. Yes, I still write--pages and pages of journal for my little girl. So she won’t forget me, how I am now. How I want her to remember me. Maybe even how I want ME to remember me. 

So I was catching on, figuring out that somehow, I am changing. Maybe even fading.

I started to panic. I don’t want the fire in me to go away. I want to be brave, free, colorful. I want to grow old gracefully, with grit and spunk. I don’t want my little girl to see just a faded version of me.

A friend once said she is so sure I’ll be an awesome mom. I realize that to be an awesome mom, I must be an awesome woman, too—a woman who is kind to herself, who likes what she sees in the mirror, who is confident of her capabilities.  It turns out, the past 3 years, I am not rising to my friend’s expectation. Hell, I’m not rising to my own expectations. 

And I have been neglecting my loved ones' needs. This saddens me so because when I was younger, I get my highs from making people I love smile.

Now, I am just so tired. Even writing this is taking all the energy I can muster. But this needs to come out. I need to acknowledge this because I have been walking around with this heavy pounding in my head. I need to write this so I can figure out what to do. 

I don’t want to disappear.