I pick my battles

I have changed. I have been puzzling over this and  these unwelcome changes. For a couple of years, I was trying to understand myself. I knew me, yes. But this new person, I have to take a step back from her and analyze how she came to be.

Yes, I love cats. For people who know me, this is my most defining trait. I take home strays, forego vacations and dates over my sick cat, collect cat stuff and feel good all day just because I watched a cat video.

Now...I still love cats. We took home two small kittens last May, their eyes still shut. But I learned to let go a bit and let other people help with the feeding so we can go out and have fun. I don’t hoard much kitty merch now. I sleep with my loves, not with the cats. Oh, I still get a kick out of kitteh vids.

Yes, I love traveling. Before, kaladkarin talaga ako. For me, new places = natural high. Bumagyo, tuloy pa rin ang gala. My eyes shine as they take in the sights, smells, and sounds.

Now, I get tired just packing our bags so I pack weeks in advance. And just before I step out of the door, something in me doesn’t want to go.

Yes, I’m a freelancer and loving it. I like that I only work when I need to, that when the cravings call, I can just up and go to have that lomi, onigiri or injeolmi. That I can bike with my family most mornings or afternoons. And that I am home when my baby is sick.

But nowadays, a thought always nags at me “Hoy, get a regular job. Time to stay in one place. Get good health benefits.” Maybe because I have a kid now. And a dream of a forest of native trees. That’s why I’m more afraid of the uncertainties freelancing brings. The “something always comes up” mantra is not enough anymore.

Yes, I enjoy seeing friends. Back then, I would seek them out, visit their homes, go out of my way to see them.

These days though, I find it hard to leave the house. Especially to go to the city. I hate crowds, I hate having to endure traffic, I hate the anxiety that grips me when I get into a cab. But I would still love to see you guys!

Yes, I’m generally a nice person. I smile a lot— so amiable and so easy to make me happy. I couldn’t say no even when in my head I'm screaming “NO!” I get flustered and couldn’t sleep when people are disappointed or mad at me.

Used to, anyway. Now, I say NO, sometimes not nicely. Without me noticing, my forehead is always creased (my little girl would mimic me, her brows together, forehead furrowed and ask “Bakit ganito ka, Nanay?”). I’ve become a brooding, irritable person, who couldn’t care less if you don’t like me.  I've grown up. I've grown old. And not the way I imagined myself to be when I was still in my teens.

Ako ay isa nang masungit na ale. 

I’m trying to understand and embrace this new person, even try to like her. See, she’s assertive now! She knows her priorities, what’s really important. She recognizes her fears and tries to face them bravely, even if on the other side, she’s fighting with herself.